What I'm defined by...

So in our women's Bible study this last week, we were discussing how our hearts are like our homes. It's easy to spot clean and make it look nice for company, but we can so easily stash junk into cupboards, vacuum around furniture, and even just close a door to avoid a room entirely. We all have those dusty areas in our hearts that we tend to neglect and refuse to allow God to thoroughly clean so that it not only looks beautiful, but it is truly worthy of Him being there. I thought about this. What areas have I neglected to completely clean? I'm pretty good at 'spot-cleaning' well enough that others don't see the filth that resides just below the surface.

After thinking a while, or just a few seconds, my pride came to mind. I'm fiercely independent and distant when it comes to many things in life, not wanting to rely on anyone else out of fear of being hurt or disappointed. Also, my pride makes me enjoy being incredibly disciplined, especially when it comes to my health, but not for the right reasons. I like people to see me as a strong woman who doesn't need anyone to help or motivate me. Realizing this and seeing that it is not what God wants of me, I had to admit that this has been why I've been struggling recently. With culture shock setting in and struggling to have the desire to do anything, even run, I was feeling like a failure--the things that had defined me before were suddenly impossible to find. I couldn't be disciplined, I was hurt that no one was helping me with anything, and I didn't even feel like smiling at anyone.

Wow. This is not like me!?! So apparently I am not invincible. I cannot always be super disciplined. I do need others, but more importantly, I need God. Swallowing that pride, I admitted to the Lord that I couldn't do anymore without Him. I didn't want people to simply see me as independent and disciplined, but a woman who's passionately pursuing Christ, accountable to others, and working hard for His Kingdom and glory.